My Cleverly Titled Journal

Posted this on my facebook, where I do most of my updates now. Thought some of my old friends here may like to read it

Addiction is bad. Not sure there's anyone that will argue that. How about attachment? Lets ask some monkeys if attachment is bad:

In the South of India, people used to catch monkeys in a very special way. Actually they let monkeys catch themselves. What they did is cut a small hole in a coconut, just large enough for a monkey to put its hand in. Next, you fix the coconut to a tree, and fill it with a sweet. The monkey smells the sweet, squeezes its hand into the coconut, grabs the sweet and .... finds that the fist does not fit through the hole. Now the trick is, that the last thing the monkey will think of is to let go of the sweet; and it holds itself prisoner. Nothing could be easier for a human being who comes and catches it.

So taking the lessons of the monkey, attachment to objects can lead to entrapment. Mostly because people, in general, derive pleasure from these objects we are attached to. The problem with that is that "pleasant" is very subjective and based on limited knowledge. Ajahn Sumedho wrote about attachment, comparing it to fire: If we grasp fire, does it lead to happiness? If we say, "Oh, look at the pretty colors, red, and orange, they're my favorite," and then grasp it - we get burned. Based on that information we would hopefully let go and then realize that fire is nothing to be attached to. Does that mean we have to hate the fire or put it out? No - it's nice having a fire it keeps the room warm, but we do not have to burn ourselves on it.

Lets move now from physical attachment to emotional attachment. Most people when they are concerned about a close friend we call it compassion. This isn't compassion, it's attachment. Even in marriage, especially thoe that don't last very long, do so because of attachment. Marriages that last a short time do so only because of a lack of compassion. There is only an emotional attachment based on false expectations based on limited knowledge - an over exaggeration of positive qualities. When the bonds between friends are based on attachment, then even a minor issue may cause our expectations to change, and as soon as that happens, our attachment disappears.

In the words of the Dalai Lama, "Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems. This is genuine compassion"

So - started to switch banks and now the accounts are all messed up and its just not good anywhere. So I think that's why I'm having a hard time sleeping I just can't seem to get my brain to shut down.

It seems lately the only thing I'd really like is a good nights sleep. I've been getting about 5 hours a night but would just like to be able to lay down, go to sleep and not be interupted. It would make me a very happy person.

I know even if I fall asleep right now (closing in on 1 am) I'll still end up waking up about 6 am - it's just what I do. I get up for work every morning about 4.30 am every day so on the weekends I just can't seem to stay asleep much later than that.

suck suck and then a little more suck.

If I had to chose something I think it would be Japanese. Mostly because of the book we picked up a few months ago, "Japanese women don't get old or fat" so I guess it'd be a little healthy

:)

I think shaving my head has become sort of symbolic of the birth and death cycle. Things come and go. There is no permanence. hah - just like my hair line :)

Nope, not dead. Not yet. Just not had much time to even thing about posting in my journal. Been doing a lot of thinking and reading. Everything else has been work and kids and work. We had a nice vacation, but Amber posted about that and most of my friends here are on her friends list as well. Spent some time at the beach which was very relaxing. I did something there that was pretty cool...

I've been doing some meditation (okay, maybe a lot) lately. While we're on vacation I'm still used to getting up very early so I'm almost always awake about the time the sun's coming up. I head down to the beach with the beach chairs and the umbrella and get a nice choice spot and then sit on the beach and watch the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean and then meditate. Well ... on particular morning I was sitting there listening to the waves and the seaguls and just concentrating on my breathing. Not making it happen but on the cycle of breath itself. Thoughts were drifting through my head but I tried to just let them drift and then go away, not holding on to anything. And then it happened. Everything stopped. My mind was completely blank and and with the next breath I took it was like I took in a breath of the world. Everything came with me and when I exhaled, the world too that breath as it's own. It was happy, peace, joy, love and kindness. I'm not sure how long I sat there like that with the universe breathing with me it felt like an eternity and at the same time not even a heartbeat. I understand the Buddha's desire to bring this to the world. Buddhist Monks promise to not enter nirvana and continue the birth and death cycle until all man-kind is enlightened. I get it. I know why.

It's had a pretty deep impact on me and just furthered push my studies of Buddhism and what not. Now I just think I need a guide or teacher to help me continue on. But I don't think there's much in the way of options for me in hick-ville. I'll dig and see what I can find.

anyway ... there you go. that's the last couple weeks for me.

Today I spent the day helping deliver goods to shelters for battered women and children. Many of the places I went were secret to the point that I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement and had to be accompanied in or they wouldn't let me go.

One of the last places I went to got me so upset I almost cried. Between anger, hate and sadness I just couldn't get things straight in my head.

Here's how it went down.

I was escorted into the complex which was a house way way out in the country on about five acres of land that was donated to the organization by a former NASCAR driver (no, don't know which one). The property was surrounded by a fence with a gate controlled from the inside.

I drove my package car (was able to use one of the UPS vehicles to help with deliveries) up the drive way and backed up close to the garage ease the unloading process and was greeted by the site coordinator (not sure what her official title is). She was a nice older woman who was a volunteer and helped coordinate things at the center. She was very pleasant. Shortly there after I met a young fairly attractive red headed woman who had what appeared to be strangulation bruises around her neck. She wasn't very talkative with me but thanked me for helping bring the supplies I brought. Then I met another woman who's name and title I can't remember who was very put-off that I was there. She was very defensive, stiff and almost hostile. The director led me around on a tour of the home where I met a dog that was rescued that was very aggresive towards men (you see a patern yet?). She was rescued from somewhere and had to have reconstructive surgery with pins and plates for her hip and rear legs.

Then I met a nice young girl with dwarfism named Haley. She was about 3 years old. Haley was here because her mother and seven other people that lived in the house with her mother (none of them the girls father) kept her in a fucking tuperware container with an oxygen tube because they didn't want to go outside to smoke. After 32 ear infections, the state finally took her away and she's growing well and even walking now. They finally found her biological father (the mother kept giving false names) and he's started the process of taking custody of her. He has dwarfism as well and has a fiance and real nice family.

I was let into a seperate buiding which housed even more medically fragie children. Tina was about 4 years old and according to the doctors should be dead right now. When she was an infant she was abused and the left side of her heart that runs to her lungs was damaged and never developed. When I walked into the room she started crying and saying "No no no no no ... no no no" I tried to reassure her that I wasn't there for her and wasn't going to touch her or take her but all she did was turtle up next to one of the administrators. When I went to leave, she smiled at me and said BYE BYE. I was told she is very nervous around men.

Then there was a 5 year old boy that came to day care one day with a black eye. He was removed from his drug addicted parents home but later the next week returned. In 3 days he was in the ER with severe brain damage - he had been thrown against the wall. He can't talk or walk, has a hard time moving but is cognitative.

There was another baby there that was seven pounds when she was brought in to the shelter. She was 12 months old. seven pounds. 12 months.

I could go on and on about the children there. Most of them abused or neglected by their families and in most cases the men. It makes me so angry. I was in tears.

By the end of the tour, the woman who was distant and hostile to me actually came up and gave me a hug, thanking me for all the supplies and taking the time to deliver the supplies to them.

The dog was torn. She finally got close enough to sniff me, she would wag her tail but would still bark and snarl a little. There were no hackles raised and her ears were forard, tail straight back.

(names changed, btw... just in case)

There's time that happen more and more often where I just have extreme peace and ttanquility come over me. I haven't been posting much because there's really not much to update on a day to day basis. Its just such an overwhelming feeling to have that emotion wash over me. Ijust end up stopping in my steps or action or whatever, look around and smile. Its that maybe, just maybe, this world we live in is, in fact, utopia. Maybe utopia has some chaos but that's jusyt part of the balance of perfection.

Anyway - back to work for me.

Hugs for everyone. And emmi, if you read this, we've got you and it will be ok. We will it to be.

I was thinking about it the other day and I've kept my buddhist beliefs to myself for the most part. Outside of my immidiate group of friends, I've not really spoken of it to anyone. I haven't even talked to my father.

I'm certainly not comfortable bringing it up at work. Being in the deep south, raised in the bible belt, I have to say that I'm more than a little concerned about how people would react. I know I shouldn't be, that a good Buddhist wouldn't be so attached to the thoughts or views of others towards himself or herself. But at the same time, I shouldn't say something that is truth that would be hurtful or uncomfortable to others until the right time (Right Speech). So I'm stuck.

I think one thing that people should understand is that by being Buddhist, it doesn't immediately exclude the belief in Jesus Christ. I still believe in the foundation of that Christian belief - that Christ lived, died, and ascended... Jesus knew what many of us do, that we're all connected.

I say that here because I'm comfortable sharing with you all and recording my thoughts to think about later. I just still can't bring myself to discuss it outside the group I've already spoken with. I'm actually a little afraid of the possible persecution I may receive.

It's hard enough for people to accept that I'm a vegetarian. I'm not sure what they'll do when they hear that I don't accept their brand of salvation either.

That brings me to another thought... sorry, a little rambling. "Right Livelihood" fits well and maybe was self fulfilling with my current job. I work in safety and health for a major corporation. I try to prevent injuries to the employees and general public. I share health and wellness information. I try to help people work safe and productive. Kind of fits.

Okay. I'm done. I'm leaving.

If anyone asks you if you want to go up the towers at Notre Dame, the answer is no.

Unless you're confident that you can climb the 387 steps to the FIRST landing.

If the option comes up to go to the TOP of the towers...

dear lord.

don't

I had to have a team of Sherpa's to help me get to the top and I think I found the frozen remains of those who came before me and didn't make it :)

It's a long way up. but the view was very cool.

I'm tired as doo-doo now. and working on making my way to sleep.

ttfn

Now we're heading to Versailles ... or at least here in a few minutes. Need something to eat first.

After that we're going to Notre Dame again because it was cool.

If I die it's because of the Musee du Louvre. It killed me. I wsa fine until the entire day of hikinh my ass through that thing. Then we walked to what was claimed to be the worlds best ice creame. I've never had grapefruit icecreame before so I can't say if it was the best or not. But the kids vouched for the vanilla.

Saw a little bit of Notre Dame today but we'll go back for more probably saturday or tomorrow.

Tori's being a little shit head. She's tired or she's not feeling well or she wants to go home yada yada balh blah. It's just little selfish things that are adding up that's really pissing me off. Last night we got a sampler appitizer thing and she reaches over and grabs a bunch of stuff off it "i'm only getting one of each" .. but there's only 2 or 3 of some things. The damn plate wasn't even fully on the table when she started grabbing. Then today she's slamming shit around, not wanting to walk, gets pissed because we didn't bring her icecreame back to the room (she stayed behind) because it was about a mile long walk round trip and it would have melted before then anyway. There's just a few other things and she's being a royal pain in the ass. She's not happy about something and she has to make sure everyone and their brother knows about it.

But still having a great time, and won't let her little petty shit ruin it for the rest of them.

Alex says he wants to move here now.

Brennen wants to learn french.

:)

Went to see the Eiffel Tower, saw the Champs Elysees, Musee d'Orsay, took a boat tour of La Sien (Le Sien? the river thing here in the middle of the city). We would have seen more but the sewers were closed and the kids were tired of walking. Dear lord they bitched about it except Brennen ... he was fine until the other kept on then he said he was tired but that was it.

I could have walked there and back and been in heaven, even though my back and knees hurt like hell. Dude. We're in Paris. this is awesome.

I don't know where things are, but I don't have this "lost" feeling I get in many cities.

Picked up some real estate brochures while I'm here. Yeah, like I'll buy something. But I got it anyway.

Alex wants to move here now because he likes the French girls. Tori will only come if she can bring 3 of her friends. so we told her fine, she can stay in the states. B-Man was "yeah ok cool" and going with the flow. He's also the only one that's put any effort so far into learning any french phrases to help him get along. He's cute.

Anyway - getting ready for dinner. TTFN "my lovelies" (thanks for that one, kez)

the flight was the suck but any time you spend 9 hours stuck on a plane I guess.

We landed about 11:30 Monday. Managed to find our way through Charles de Gaul without too much trouble. I thought getting through customs would be a little bit more of a hassel but it wasn't. Our shuttle car was there within minutes of us calling them and we enjoyed a not-quite-entirely unpleasant ride through parisian streets that are unlined, crowded, and have signs about exploding cars in 500m. Not sure what that sign meant but it was there.

We walked around a bit after we got to the hotel and checked in. We ate at a small cafe near us and then hit some shops, had some ice cream and just checked stuff out. By this time we'd been awake for about 36 hours so went to the hotel and fell asleep. We all woke up about 1 am local time hungry as hell. And of course there's nothing open at 1 am so we ordered room service (cry me a tear, I know).

Went back to sleep for a little then headed out for breakfast and then off to Euro Disney .. yes we came to paris to take the kids to disney land - but it was fun, so shut it. We didn't die on the metro but I thought we may have been mugged once except for my fierce bald head scared them all off.

We ate at Planet Hollywood before we left Disney. I was complimented on my french by one of our servers at the buffet that we at lunch at. I was impressed. Then we had a conversation about conjugating irregular verbs.

Back at the hotel and it's 10.30 local time, 4 pm back home.

I think I'll send my boss an email just for shits and giggles.

later my friends.

Been working a lot again. Boss is on vacation and I spent last week running MVR's for 2800 drivers as well as trying to get jacket sizes for our Circle of Honor members (folks that have driven for 25 years without a crash)

Found a nifty little thing to make some extra money on the side

http://www.youdata.com/join/pudding

I've always been skepticle of things like that but they've actually sent me paypal money totalling about 15 bucks for the last month. Not much but a little extra money is a little extra money. Nothing to install so there's no spyware crap going on.

I'm using Internet Explorer 8 now and it seems pretty cool, too.

Okay... gotta run again. Thanks for listening

one - i hate the dentist. I can't be numbed up right because of nerve damage and defects and shit just not running right. So they can dull the pain but when they get the drill out it still hurts. bad. But I'm a MAN and get over it. I've had fillings with no novacaine at all and no laughing gas either.

Now another note

In order for capitolism to work, the leaders / company owners / employees have to make decisions that are ethical and moral. What's right for the company, what's right for the employees and what' right for the customer have to be considered at all times. Thus we have the reason that we're in the current economic crunch that we're in. Because not only have the leaders of some of our largest corporations lost sight of what is morally and ethically correct, the leaders in govermnet have as well. They make decisions not based on what's best for the country or the economy or their state, but what's best for them. What is best to keep them in office. What is best to buy votes with.

Until someone is willing to stand up and say, "No - this isn't right, this isn't ethical or moral" things will not change.

as a side note, reeses peanut butter easter eggs are the bomb.

Work has been OK - the boss was off a couple weeks ago and I got to cover for him, which means I can actually do the job (which we all knew) but now it's been proven. Spent last week reviewing 2478 (I counted) motor vehicle certifications for our drivers... only 250 ish to go.

The garage addition is on hold because of stupid water permits and septic tank lines that may or may not work... but they do, I know. How do I know? I poop in them daily. But it's either the foundation of the garage gets moved or we spend 10-15k on a "alternative" septic system - whatever that is.

The cabinets are in and installed, just waiting on the counter tops to be cut now. We're getting a solid granite slab put in for a counter top. Should last a few years I think. Unless the kids screw it up.

Anyway - gonna go play some warcraft I think.

Some people call their philosophy a "religion". Hardly anyone has spent even a few moments exploring thier philosophy of life. Even fewer have made any significant effort to get it right. Instead, "religion" has become a factory made commodity sold off the shelf to masses who assume it must be good if it's really old and lots of smarter and better educated people said it was a good buy ("8 out of 10 experts recommend Christian Brand Salvation"). People think they can plug such a goodie into their lives and maybe make a few unskilled decisions or adjustments on their own and say they are all nice and happy with the world, not having to think if it's well thought out, well constructed, or even remotely true.

On a side note - it's snowing in georgia and possible a sign of the apocolypse.

There's some things that it seems no amount of education can teach someone.

There's no classes on being a man. There's no classes on responsibility.

There's no classes for honor, integrity, loyalty or respect. These aren't things you learn in a book in a class room. This is something you learn through life, through parents or mentors. Sometimes I think you either have it or you don't - that it's not really something that can be learned.

I think that's part of why all this nasty mess with the economy is going on. It's because some semi-smart folks get high up in companies but don't know what it takes to be a man. Don't know what it means to have the responsibility of tens, hundreds, or even thousands of lives at stake.

Or maybe they don't care. At which point this all goes back to the first couple statements.

That's how I see it anyway.

took this from my ultra-pal pensivesea



1. Do you wear a name tag at work? No but have a badge to get through security.

( cut because i love you )

been away for a bit - just a lot going on here. busy at work, busy with the house, busy with the kids.

I get home and just sit down long enough for a quick bite to eat then head to bed.

like I'm going to now.

Just wanted to let all my LJ friends know that I'm still alive and do read most days.

/hugs